Testimonial: Motherhood

I decided to create this blog in order to share with you my experience in the long process of fighting infertility. It has been a long journey and there have been many lessons learned. Throughout my journey, and even now, I have enjoyed reading various testimonies on the subject of infertility, motherhood, adoption. There are as many stories as there are people to share them with. Some are positive, others reflect the harsh reality of the difficulty of starting a family. But each testimony allowed me to prepare for all possible eventualities.

Becoming parents means accepting a certain amount of risk.

October 15, 2015
Presentation of my blog

I decided to create this blog in order to share with you my experience in the long process of fighting infertility. It has been a long journey and there have been many lessons learned. Throughout my journey, and even now, I have enjoyed reading various testimonies on the subject of infertility, motherhood, adoption. There are as many stories as there are people to share them with. Some are positive, others reflect the harsh reality of the difficulty of starting a family. But each testimony allowed me to prepare for all possible eventualities.

October 17, 2015
1- Cystic fibrosis, infertility and the desire for motherhood: a funny recipe!

When I was in my early 20s, at a conference offered in 2005 by the CPAFK, the organization now called Living with Cystic Fibrosis, I realized that becoming a parent, when you have cystic fibrosis, was an additional challenge.

October 17, 2015
2- The beginning

Me and the man are in August 2007. In August 2008 we are getting married! Also quickly, a bit for loans and grants, but mostly because we know that the other is the right one. Not (at all) by Christian belief, this was the time chosen to stop all contraceptive methods. My husband was starting his BACC and we knew that a child in this context would be a bit hasty, but on the other hand, I was worried that the road would be long. Sometimes, I wonder if it was all the thoughts I had about the effect that it would be difficult for me to conceive that actually caused these difficulties, or if on the contrary, the fact that I was well informed about my condition simply allowed me to know what was waiting for me...

September 22, 2015
3- Genetics

Of course, when you have a genetic disease, you must assess the risks of giving birth to a sick child. To have CF, both parents must carry the defective gene and pass it on to the child. So you will have understood, as I am sick, I have the 2 defective genes, so I automatically transmit 1 to my child.

October 27, 2015
4- Results of the first tests and first trials

Gentleman's spermogram, more-than-perfect, a real Starbuck! On my side, nothing problematic at first glance. So what is proposed in these cases...?

October 29, 2015
5- Context in which I experienced my first inseminations

Cystic fibrosis has always caused me to have a fire in my butt! At 14, when I was told that I had this condition, I was told that the median age of survival was 34. So I was always eager to live and pursue my dreams (well, I only had 20 years left to achieve the long list of desired achievements).

October 29, 2015
6- Insemination #3: on the way to a baby or to depression?

Personally, I could compare that to a good PMS for the duration of taking this medication (on average 14 days). To specify, me in SPM, I am a “scam”! In addition, in girls with cystic fibrosis, hormonal changes often lead to more lung problems (greater lung infections, longer duration, etc.)

November 3, 2015
7- Meeting with a psychiatrist and OUPS: awareness

I always believed and hoped that my journey in a fertility clinic would be short and quickly successful (like all couples who go there I imagine, no one wants to imagine leaving that it will be long and arduous!). After this 3^E failure, I saw that I would need help if I wanted to persevere. The psychologist I met listened to me on my journey. I had complaints as much about my work, about our expansion, which was stressing me out, as about my efforts in a fertility clinic.

November 7, 2015
8- Burnout, or how do you get along during this break

I get the message, and I get a paper from the doctor for a sick leave. In all, this arrest will have lasted 3 months, and I will take the opportunity to do inseminations #4 and #5. I told myself that being at rest would make the numerous appointments less stressful. But between these appointments, I only had energy to do puzzles and listen to TV...

November 11, 2015
9- The break, or thinking about yourself and your couple

Chéri accompanied me for 2 weeks of this internship, and we really found ourselves, far from the stress of our daily lives, our eyes filled with wonderful landscapes and ultra-rewarding experiences. Today, I am still aware of how incredibly lucky we were to make this trip, which will remain etched in our memories forever.

November 13, 2015
10- Everyone has the right to their own situation

With this in mind, after reading testimonies of infertile girls who railed against a friend, sister, or work colleague who became pregnant, I promised myself one thing in my process: the happiness of others would not take anything away from me. Others have the right to their situation, and it is my duty as a friend, as a sister, to rejoice for them.

October 17, 2015
11- My first in vitro fertilization (IVF)

So how does in vitro fertilization work? We need to have an initial intra-vaginal ultrasound to see if our uterus and ovaries are ready for stimulation. This echo must be done between day 2 and day 4 of our cycle. When everything is right, medications are started to stimulate the ovaries and follicles to help them mature eggs.

October 19, 2015
12- My first in vitro fertilization... take 2

The first ultrasound... everything is beautiful!! We can start the ovarian stimulation cycle, finally all hopes are allowed! The first IVF, the one where you have the impression that you will soon be caressing your big belly! I remembered the lung problems caused by taking hormones during my inseminations. I am not taking chances, after validation with the doctors, I start taking preventive antibiotics simultaneously with my ovarian stimulation.

December 8, 2015
13- My desire for multiple pregnancy, or how do we present childbirth to teens?

At my first egg puncture, I tried to convince the doctor that it might be interesting, in my case, to transfer 2 embryos. I tried to convince him with the following argument: with CF, ovarian stimulations are difficult for me, and since they require a lot from my body, they should be limited. If 2 embryos were transferred to me, I would have a better chance of not doing the process again.

December 10, 2015
14- Context in which I am doing my IVF procedures

At the beginning of winter 2014, we started planning various works on the house for the coming summer. Yes, a house is a beautiful haven of peace, but it needs a lot of love! The sum of the various repairs required makes us lean towards major works...

December 16, 2015
15- My second IVF

The fertility clinic is closed during the 2 weeks of the holidays that end in 2014. I understand the clinic staff need time to rest. The enthusiasm of Quebecers to conceive has caused the attendance of fertility clinics in Quebec to skyrocket since the announcement of Bill 20. As a result, it seems that the staff needs a little time off.

December 17, 2015
16- The moment of truth... and the rest

The embryologist calls me back on day #5 of my second embryo left in extended culture to tell me that it also fragmented. We won't have any embryos to put in the freezer yet this time. Moreover, this news does not reassure me for the little coconut that was transferred to me. Why would he have reacted differently?

December 29, 2015
17 — But how do you find a donor? How do we discuss this subject with our friends?

How should she react to this child later? Are we explaining his origins to this child or not? And if I was not a good mother in her eyes for this child, if I started to beat him, for example, how would she react? If she has other children, and mine and hers fall in love, what do we tell them?

December 30, 2015
18 — To start a family, what options are left?

Personally, I did not want to invest $7,000 in such a small hope. And as long as I am paying for a child who will not be mine, I prefer to turn to the option of adoption. In any case, while waiting for my IVF #3, I need to keep busy, to have the impression that I am continuing my efforts, that my project is progressing.

January 15, 2016
19 — Adoption in China: more convincing results, but longer wait...

Well, that's a lot of information for me to digest. I understand that I will have to start seriously learning about international adoption, that this is a big project. Am I ready to live with these deadlines, or to embark with a child with special needs? And what does the man think?

January 18, 2016
20- Adopting in Quebec? Finally an option that meets my criteria!

In my head, the DPJ took children away from parents only in extreme situations, automatically making children put up for adoption “fucked”. I had in mind that these children were all from mothers who were addicted to cocaine or alcohol. Or fathers who beat and raped children. In addition, I believed that we would never become the legal parents of the child under our protection, I believed that the parents could come back after 5 years to take away from me this child to whom I would have attached myself.

January 20, 2016
21- My 3rd IVF, the last... definitely.

We have a beautiful embryo, but the other 9 have all fragmented. But the embryologist explains to me that the embryo that has developed well is of very good quality, and that we generally do not hesitate, we make a transfer on day 3 when we have such beautiful embryos. However, he sees the note in my file: if you want to wait until day #5, the choice is yours. Now I think of my doctor who tells me that there is no better incubator than the uterus, and of my desire not to repeat other attempts later.

February 2, 2016
22- The cursed letting go!

You know, the aunt who comes to tell us that a friend of his had been trying to get pregnant for 1000 years and that it finally happened when she finally threw herself into her real passion for collecting albino Egyptian spiders; in addition, she had a memorable orgasm during conception. Man, your story just makes us feel even more guilty for not being able to let go.

February 12, 2016
23- Viability ultrasound: a horrible name, but what an intense moment!

Three weeks separated the announcement of my pregnancy and the viability ultrasound. This waiting time was the most nerve-wracking of my entire process, these weeks seemed like months. I didn't dare ask what to expect at this ultrasound, but with such a horrible name, my imagination went wild.

February 24, 2016
24- A twin pregnancy, a risky pregnancy... And then? I am strong!

Although it is the dream of many couples to have twins following infertility treatments, I understood at my first pregnancy follow-up why the government program that oversees in-vitro fertilization wants to limit the risks of twin pregnancy (by limiting the number of embryos transferred to 1). Indeed, it was there that I was told about all the risks my babies ran.

March 2, 2016
25- A risky pregnancy and a return to work... not ideal!

After my first pregnancy follow-up, I announced to my employer that I was expecting twins and that I did not intend to put my pregnancy at risk. I think he felt helpless in the face of this news, not having planned a replacement.

March 17, 2016
26- The first trimester and its ailments

I really wanted to have a bad heart, it would have confirmed to me that it was true. I was so afraid of their growth stopping, of having a miscarriage, or of simply not being pregnant that I was hoping for any symptoms of pregnancy to help me believe it.

March 23, 2016
27 — Pregnancy follow-up when you are CF... and pregnant with twins!

That's when a resident comes into the room and tells us that the next doctor who is due to meet with me today is in a hurry and that I need to see him now. Ok, but... when do I ask my questions? I am reassured that Dr. Zen will be available after this other meeting.

March 28, 2015
28- Wow, twins!

One thing is certain, I will have either 2 boys or 2 girls! And no, it is not a disappointment for us not to have “the little couple”, but rather a pride and the infinite feeling of being privileged to have identical twins

April 15, 2016
29- A small concern

Well, he explains the steps to me: we will check with an ultrasound whether we can see 2 hearts beating. But he explains to me that there is a 1% chance of miscarriages at my stage and that if the process is started, at only 14 weeks pregnant, there is nothing we can do except help nature. What an atmosphere from beyond the grave, I can't wait for him to stop talking and to check what's going on

April 28, 2016
30- The visceral fear of losing them

But for my part, I am so afraid of being told about any problem during my follow-ups that I cannot bring myself to go to my appointments alone. The list of potential problems and complications is so long. I know very well that if a disaster is announced to me, I will be scooped up with a teaspoon. I then set up guard towers with my friends!

May 3, 2016
31- Well yes diabetes, I had to wait for him, I imagine...

I was quickly followed by the pregnancy diabetes clinic. Even though I wasn't tested for induced hyperglycemia, I was assessed as being at risk. The clinic is made up of different endocrinologists, so you never see the same person.

May 5, 2016
32- Insulin is all well and good, but how do you calculate the right dose to take?

At my next appointment with the pregnancy diabetes clinic, I did not come across “a good day.” The resident is trying to assess my food diary. Let me explain to you. I had come to make a kind of chart of the quantity of insulin according to what I ate, without really knowing how to calculate the carbohydrates I was taking...

May 11, 2016
33- Finally the 24^E week of pregnancy, the babies are viable! Are we celebrating? Not according to Dr. Panique...

I left this appointment completely demoralized, I who was beginning to believe that my chances of meeting my babies one day were real, she puts doubt in my head again and puts into place all the fears I have had since the beginning of my pregnancy.

May 14, 2016
34- When we compare ourselves, we console ourselves

On social media, another girl who has CF announced her pregnancy. My pregnancy was only 12 days ahead of hers. We naturally entered into communication. It helps to talk to another person who is going through a bit the same stages as you.

May 18, 2016
34-Completely opposite realities, but teamwork

You will have understood that with such fears, I calmed down in my daily hustle and bustle. I alternate between household chores that I am still able to do and rest.

I feel a lot less efficient than before. And a bit guilty to darling who must make up for my lack of efficiency.

May 22, 2016
35- Intravenous antibiotics, which have the effect of antidepressants.

The next day the call came back. The RX shows that my lungs are swimming in secretions (huuu, it's not a big surprise, I haven't slept lying down for at least 2 months now, but sitting up to try to limit my cough at night). Not to mention the fact that I am constantly vomiting secretions).

May 25, 2016
36- Make the choice to live well at the end of pregnancy

At my pregnancy follow-up, Dr. Zen is present. She takes the time to congratulate me for having retained babies so far! On the ultrasound, she only has good news for me...

May 31, 2016
37- And we cross the threshold of the 34^E week!! But with Dr. Panique...

This woman is amazing! I believe that our interview with her lasted a maximum of 15 minutes in total and, in this period of time, she will have found a way to say the terms “fetal death” “fetal distress” “emergency c-section with general anesthesia” and other terms that are just as troubling for a future mother who still has several months of anxiety behind her.

June 12, 2016
38- The last miles of pregnancy

I am ready for expulsion, I can't wait to meet my 2 miracles. I am also eager to be free of this weight, to be back to my previous body. Do I need to tell you that at 36 weeks pregnant, with such big babies, I am HUGE?!

June 19, 2016
39- Final assessment of this pregnancy

I am at the end of my pregnancy and it is time to do a checkup.

Aside from all the stress and anxieties of a risky pregnancy, when I think about it in the end, I had a dream pregnancy.

June 22, 2016
40-The birth plan

“I am aware that there will be a party in the bedroom when I give birth. However, I would like people to be discreet enough, so that it doesn't feel like we're in a rock party, but rather a flat Christmas Eve.”

June 26, 2016
41- To be provoked; or to know that the fateful day is finally here!

My nurse is starting to get on my nerves: when I have a contraction, I need to be in my bubble, but she always chooses these moments to check either my blood sugar, or my pressure, or another element of the protocol. Afterwards, darling will confirm to me that I had definitely become boring somewhere in the early afternoon.

June 29, 2016
42- The epidural; or happiness shot directly in the column!

The anesthesiologist arrives accompanied by a resident. It seems that the two of them manage 911 calls directly. Always on the phone discussing a case with another health professional. The resident has the misfortune to discuss a case on the phone during one of my contractions. Let me say way too loud: “We're so sorry you had a hockey accident! ”

July 2, 2016
43- When things start to go wrong...

My heart is torn, I can't take care of my baby, I have a 2^E to be brought into the world. Chéri and I had come to an agreement, in case of such a glitch, he should never take his eyes off our baby, even if it meant leaving me at work.

July 7, 2016
44- Relying entirely on the medical team

When you have just given birth, you are in a daze. I can sense the panic in the room, but it feels like I'm floating over it all. Doctor and resident take turns massaging my uterus in an attempt to convince it to contract.

July 12, 2016
45- A marathon: the breastfeeding of 2 babies at the same time, located in 2 different wings of the hospital

I will go back and forth between the 2 places nonstop. I am breastfeeding in my room and I stay there until the nurse at Néo-Nat calls me to tell me that the one who is there is hungry. And when I am in neonatal, it's my boyfriend who calls me to tell me that the one in our room is hungry.

July 14, 2016
46- A quiet return to normality

It is so touching to see them together. If you only look with your eyes, you don't get the impression that they are really aware that the other is there. But when you see how calmly they sleep together, you know that they are reunited in this way.

July 17, 2016
47- What does it mean to take care of children when you have CF?

From the start of this adventure, I was told that pregnancy is not the most difficult for our health: it is the “after” that takes away from us. Knowing this fact, I made a promise to myself long before conceiving: I will continue to take good care of myself. Of course my kids come first, but not at any cost.

July 24, 2016
48- The first weeks with twins and my boyfriend at work: we survive!

Chéri stayed home for the first week of the guys life, but he had to go back to work soon. His executive status in the context of a new job does not allow him to stop for a big 5 weeks in a row.

July 28, 2016
49- The nights

My guys lost a lot of weight in their first few days of life. So for a good 10 days, we had to wake up every 2 hours to make sure they were drinking a lot. It was demanding.

August 1, 2016
50- The horror virus

It's early February, my boys are 2 months old. I don't know how I got hold of this horror bug, but I caught it: super intense sore throat, fever, headache, vomiting, and stomachache. The package deal killed anything.

August 1, 2016
51- 3 months: time for the sweat test

Chéri has a mutation, but one that should not cause CF.
That was our hope, a nice mutation, which will give at worst a class 4 or 5 CF

August 11, 2016
52- Cow's milk, the culprit of our long nights

My boys have a stomachache at night, it wakes us up 2 to 4 times a night, every night. Since their first month, I have been giving them probiotics. It really helps, because the nights we forget, we all regret it. After 6 months at the doctor's office, I was told that after this age, a baby should no longer have a stomachache at night because of colic.

August 18, 2016
53- The end of this blog

I would say that I have the daily life of a typical CF mom! I spend my days taking care of myself and my guys. I don't go out much anymore, I don't see my friends often enough for my taste, I go to bed at 20:00 at night, and despite everything, I still feel tired. But I am very happy.

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