Life

text composed by Aline Fredette (1976-2021)
(Text composed approximately two years after the lung transplant)

It was just over two years ago that I “died”.
Since then, I have been given a new life.
New is not a nice little word.
It's all so different.
So much so that my old life is very little intertwined with the new one.
She is asleep.
Far, far away in space-time.
Few memories of suffering,
of the threat that hung over me.
I am just waking up.
Awakening to life.
I think I didn't quite realize what was happening to me.
Yes, I am here alive and well.
I got through it.
I lost a partner; death.
I had a hard time living without her
even though it was unacceptable for me to live with her.
And after?
Everyone told me that I should be happy.
I did not demonstrate it.
Give me time to feel what I was telling them.
Yes I am alive.
And after?
What do I do with it?
It's all so different.
It's all going so fast.
It's all rushed.
Lots of opportunities were open to me.
I really have a choice.
The choice to live.
Living by my choices.
I didn't really know.
I took every opportunity telling myself to live to the fullest.
And I can't find my way around anymore.
Before I let myself be carried away by life.
Accepting events as best I could.
Adapting to these.
Now it's a bit the other way around.
Life is adapting to me.
To my needs and my choices.
There is a world between these two realities.
Abandonment and action are difficult for me to coexist.
What is living?
Everything is going at such an amazing pace.
I don't even have time to breathe.
I threw myself off a cliff the day I said YES.
I haven't landed yet.
No sudden shocks. So much the better.
Some days I tell myself that I am stealing.
Other times, that I haven't touched the ground yet.
The earth.

The essentials. The reality.
Now I don't really enjoy my life anymore.
I go to bed every night remembering what I'm going to do tomorrow.
Previously, I would have fallen asleep while rethinking my day,
enjoying each of the moments spent,
without trusting that there would be other tomorrows to satisfy me.
Gone all those days to enjoy every moment peacefully.
Disappeared to make way for the frenzy.

This frenzy that affects society.
In spite of myself, she assimilated me.
I am dizzy.
I continue to launch myself “into the void”.
My body is fine.
My inner being is taking a hit.
Despite everything I am happy.
If my days weren't so full, I would be bored.
I would feel like I was wasting my time, not doing anything concrete.
I drive again and again.
But in fact, isn't this whole circus just an illusion?
Inside it screams louder and louder.
Am I being useful to anyone right now?
Was my time among the world appreciated or even noticed?
Sometimes I think that if I wasn't here anymore, it wouldn't have changed much.
People would have cried for me before today.
Their loss would almost be over and they would have lots of beautiful memories of me.
Unfortunately, I don't take more time to spend
quality moments,
to talk about real things with the people I love,
in the present moment, without rushing or rushing things.
Don't we have plenty of time?
Even though I know I don't have eternity.
I fought to be with them.
What am I doing?
Yes I do. I am moving. I see
I am accomplishing. I am realizing myself.
A thrilling rhythm took over me.
I am no longer.
To be.
Take the time to be, to exist.
Who am I?
Through society, somewhere, I lost myself.
Where did I forget myself?
How do I find myself?
I don't know.
It's all so different.
I don't even have time to think anymore.
It would take days, weeks, months.
What do I want for myself?
What is really important in this life?
Everyone around me seems to think that everything is normal.
However, before I had the ability to enjoy life without great possibilities.
Now I have all the possibilities to live, but not the ability to
Do it in peace.

And for me it's so different.
I followed.
I adapted.
But where am I going like that?
Who am I?
I don't know anymore.
No time. Not the time I say.
I will think about it again.
For now I am making up for lost years.
And the ones won!
I will definitely stop one day.
One day I will stop.
Like everyone else. It's only a reprieve

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